Dear AAS,
I've been meaning to update you on this Saltspring life.
I try to keep it a secret, but I love this place! All I can eat, clean litter boxes, miles of fields, toys on elastic strings, sunshine and so on.
But I must speak to you about my employee, Lyn MacDonald, as I know you keep up a correspondence with her.
She is generally very good, and I wish to keep her on. She is most useful as a feeder, dangler of toys, and is superbly trained as a door opener.
I try to overlook the fact that she keeps a dog, but this has not been easy, Fortunately, the dog is afraid of me.
Also, she keeps several other cats, and when we are having a private disagreement, Lyn claps her hands and shouts, "If there is any fighting in this house, SOMETHING will happen!". She should mind her own business, frankly.
But I cannot remain silent about last night's events.
I was scrubbing some particularly nasty poo into her carpet. She clapped her hands, and called me a "Disgusting Cat!" I was so shaken that I ran back to the 'bathroom', but forgot to climb all the way into the box.
I then had trouble cleaning myself, as I have so many fat rolls to work around - this also is Lyn's fault, as she leaves food out at all hours, so I cannot be blamed for the fact that I feel obliged to eat it.
If she wishes to remain in my employ, I urge you to sign her up for a sensitivity training course, otherwise I will box her up and ship her to you. There are plenty of other feeders here for hire, I am sure.
Affectionatly, your friend, Simon