Doggie Dictionary

Leash: a strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your mom
and dad where you want him/her to go.

Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest
room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room

Drool: What you do when your mom and dad have food and you don't. To do this
properly, you must sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall
to the floor Or better yet, on their laps

Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as
close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply. Repeat
several times or until your person makes you stop.

Garbage Can: A container where mom and dad put food they don't want to test
your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off
with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers
to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines invented for dogs to control body
fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash
out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves
and falls into the bushes and you prance away

Deafness: This is an affliction which affects dogs when their mom or dad
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at
the person, then running in the opposite direction or lying down

Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Mom and dad
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them
of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly
and following their every move

Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy
wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all
over the house until your mom and dad come home

Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people After eating, it is polite to
run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

Bath: This is a process by which mom and dad drench the floor, walls and
themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" Especially if your mom
and dad are dressed for an evening out. This is incredibly effective before
black tie events.

Bump: The best way to get your mom and dad's attention when they are
drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea

Goose bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't
get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with the
sniff. See above.

Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If
you're lucky, a human will love you in return.