I want to be part of the Society for the Prevention of Ugly Facial Hair. I want to be a special constable and inspect certain goatees and I want to enforce the Ugly Facial Hair Act. I want to be able to say "Mr. X, your goatee is in violation of the Act and I'm sorry, but I have to remove your face."

"No. No, I'm sorry, I don't require the opinion of a barber, stylist or GQ. I'm not basing this on Section 687 B, I'm using Section 687 XX, where it is in MY opinion that your facial hair meets the criteria of causing me distress."

"No, you do not get the opportunity to shave or see a stylist ! Why not ? Because I SAID NOT !! I'm sorry, I have to remove your face now."

"AND as for you, Mr. Y: I have here a report of you having been witnessed unshaven last week and I also have in my possession pictures surreptitiously taken of you with the offending facial hair, by the witness/complainant. Yes, that does look like my fingertip in the picture. Never mind that, we are talking about your ugly facial hair, not the complainant. In my opinion, I think you intended to grow a beard and in my opinion it would be an ugly beard. You may either voluntarily give up your face or any part thereof your face which may grow hair. If you don't wish to give it up voluntarily, I'm sorry, but I will have to go before a JP with these photos, swear an information and obtain a warrant for the removal of your face to be used as evidence to show that you may have wanted to and been able to grow an ugly beard.....in my opinion."

"Shut up and quit yelling and just give me your face, it's an affront"

"Now, Ms. Z, you and your unwaxed moustache is also present in these photos............."