A week in the life of a dog rescuer
Monday
Get up. Stand in customary poop at the side of my bed. Must remember to exit at opposite side of bed tomorrow. Call from a rescuer. Will I foster a rescue dog? Five dogs are not enough so decide to add another one. Go pick up dog. Run dog in forest for 3 hours to tire dog out. Go home for a nap while dog de-fluffs every teddy bear in my house. Rescue dog is scared of so many things. Decide to sleep with broom in my bed tonight to desensitize her to it. Get ready for bed. Rub oil of Olay over arms and legs - big mistake! Rescue dog is scared of dark so insists on sleeping under blankets. Roll over onto broom a few times during the night and wake up.
Tuesday
Wake up. Remember to exit at other side of bed. Damn, they are onto me, poop is waiting there for me. Will exit at bottom of bed tomorrow. Go look for wallpaper scraper to scrape off dog hair that has stuck to my Oil of Olay. Don’t have much luck getting hair off so decide to go for the European look. Take rescue dog to beach. Stop off to buy coffee. When walking towards my van with latte in hand, notice van is rocking back and forward. This can’t be good. Quick check of van to discover that rescue dog has relieved me of four seat belts. Oh well, won’t have to drive people around anymore. After walk, pick up kids from school. Forgot about seatbelts. With one child safely secured to the roof rack and one in the dog crate in the back, drive home. Decide to speed up rescue dog’s recovery by sleeping with EVERY object she is scared of. Pile into bed with vacuum cleaner, hockey stick, hairbrush, wooden spoon, jock strap (?????) umbrella, and man next door. (She growls at him.) At 2 a.m., woman next door calls asking for her husband back. More room in bed now.
Wednesday
Wake up and exit at bottom of bed. Stand in pee. At least it is warm. It’s garbage day so sneak outside in my nightdress to put out garbage cans. Rescue dog escapes. I run down the main road in nightdress and bare feet after him. Garbage men honk and wave. Neighbors shake their heads. Rescuer calls. Could I take another dog for just two nights? OK. Pick rescue dog number 2 up. Put two dogs in living room while I clean kitchen. Go to water plants in living room. Dogs have pulled plants down all over floor. Pull garden hose through window and turn sprinkler on in living room. Bedtime. Decide to tie rescue dog number two to bottom of my bed. 1 a.m. Scene from exorcist movie. My bed is now over at the door. Unleash dog and let him on the bed with the six others. Cling desperately to the side of my bed and wonder why I am not married. Decide to sneak out of room and sleep on couch. By 4 am, all seven dogs are on top of me on the couch. Go back to bed.
Thursday
Wake up feeling cold. Look down and wonder if it snowed during night. White stuff all over my bed. Rescue number 2 worked the night shift and took all the fluff out my quilt and placed it neatly all around the bed. Leap from bed to door to avoid poop. Door bell rings. Race seven dogs to door and look out peep-hole. LANDLADY. She thinks I have one dog. Throw dogs and poops into various rooms. Put on really loud music and let landlady in. Have one dog by my side. Every time a dog in a room barks, I give dog at my side trouble. Landlady is amazed that my dog can bark without opening her mouth. Go to park. Four people ask me if I am a dog walker and do I have a card. Too embarrassed to say no so I give out a friend's phone number instead . Go to DRIVE-THROUGH for coffee. Pay children $5 each to sleep with a dog in their room. After half an hour of scratching at their doors to get to me, let all dogs in my room again. Children keep the money.
Friday
Poop on my bed this morning. Guess they were mad I didn’t stand in it yesterday. Child’s birthday today. Decide to make cake to make up for the fact that dogs have killed all their teddy bears in a mass attack last night. Make beautiful cake with rainbow sprinkles. Leave cake on kitchen table. Go to washroom. Come back, cake gone. Spend a futile few minutes looking in cupboards. Seven pairs of innocent eyes stare back at me. Go for a walk. Watch every bowel movement very closely. Ah ha, rainbow poop. Rescue number two is the culprit. Put bow on his head and tell child cake is inside. Make fake body in my bed, and sleep in the closet.
Saturday
No poops. Must be day off. Go to vets for fifth visit this week. Vet asks me if I know about Munchausen’s syndrome by proxy. I don’t, but tell her I will look it up on the internet. Spend the rest of the day worrying that my dog has Munchausens. Minister of my church comes over to visit to see why I haven’t been at Church lately. Rescue number 1 sits by minister and has something in her mouth. “What have you brought me?”, I hear the minister say as I watch him take a pair of my underwear from rescue dog’s mouth. Minister leaves. Look up Churches in yellow pages. Call from rescuer. Will I pick up dog on Island tomorrow? Call my friend to baby-sit my dogs, and look forward to a nice peaceful ferry ride tomorrow.
Sunday
Lovely quite peaceful ferry ride. Woman with dog is waiting on other side. Seems a bit too anxious to give me the dog. Hands me a spray bottle filled with water and lemon juice and says with wide eyes, “For the dog.” I take it, knowing that I will not be spraying any dog in my care. Get on ferry with dog. Go to dog area on car deck, close gate and sit down to pet dog. He decides he doesn’t like me and needs to escape so jumps over five foot gate and runs down middle of ferry while cars are boarding. I run behind him full speed waiting for the Captain to come over the loudspeaker saying, “ Will big boned…I mean…will chubby…I mean…. will large…. er…diet challenged…ok, will fat lady in flip flops running down the middle of the car deck please return to your car.” Get dog and go back to dog area. Tie him to chair just in case. Someone tries to come in with a dog. Rescue dog goes crazy, barking, growling, peeing and spinning. I think of exorcist movie and brace myself for the vomit. I politely ask them to leave. Another person tries to come in with the same results, and another. Bright idea. I take out spray bottle and spray people who are trying to come in. Sit alone with dog for rest of trip and ponder the thought “ Do you have to be crazy to get into dog rescue, or do you become crazy once you are in it.”
Sunday
Has been a stressful week so decided to do something fun today. Go pick up a rescue dog that looks like a wolf. Go to the forest and take her collar off. Throw her ball into the woods and just as she is coming back to me with it I scream, “It’s a wolf, it’s a wolf.” Laugh hysterically at the people running full speed out of the forest with various fluffy dogs tucked under their arm. Need to give that “fun” thing a little more thought. Decide that I will not take on any more dogs. I am determined not to. Absolutely not. Feel good about my decision. Think I will rescue squirrels instead. Cell phone rings, it's the rescuer. Can I foster a puppy? I drive full speed, through red lights and up on the sidewalks to pick up my puppy. Snuggle with stinky-breath puppy on the bed with seven other dogs. I LOVE THIS JOB. Start back at Monday and do it all over again.