Written by Bob Groenveld, Editor of the Langley Advance newspaper.
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Odd Thoughts: Trapped in the wilderness
by Bob Groeneveld

Have I got a job for you!

You get to work outdoors.

You get to explore wild and unruly wilderness.

And best of all, you get to kill things.

You wouldn't have to deal with anything like those big, bad wolves or bears or other ferocious beasts that could get mad at you and fight back while you're trying to kill them.

Besides, it gets better: you get to kill them from a distance.

Better still, it's not too much of a distance. The job is available right here in Langley, so you can do all your killing practically in your own backyard.

Yes, you could fill out a simple job application right here in your own hometown, and before you know it, you could be killing beavers.

You know - the furry, cuddly guys with the big front teeth that they use to gnaw down trees.

Right here in Langley, who'd a thunk it!

And legally.

You'd have a 007-style licence to kill.

You'd be like a regular James Bond of the beavers.

Wait! I haven't listed all of the perks yet.

There's not really all that much effort involved in carrying out the the job (you'd be working as a civil servant for Langley Township, 'nuff said.)

It's not like you'd have to carry around a big, heavy club or pack a rifle and all of those heavy lead bullets or anything that you see in the movies about those big, rugged trappers who the Mounties invariably end up chasing all over the Northwest Territories for murdering some propsector or dance-hall girl who stole their best sled dog or something.

You won't have any of those complications here in Langley Township.

You just set a trap in the bottom of a ditch or a stream here or there and drown your quarry, so you don't have to so much as look them in the eye while they're dying.

Even if your assignment were to pit you against a particularly nasty beaver with the unmitigated gumption to fight for its life - you can be safe and sound, miles away.

Which wouldn't have any impact on your safety anyway - a beaver's idea of fighting for its life is to chew its leg out of a trap while it slowly runs out of oxygen under water.

A beaver can hold its breath for an incredibly long time, so you can only begin to imagine how long it could have to chew away at itself in an effort to reach a little more of that life-giving air at the water's surface - maybe only a few tantalizing inches away - while the reserves slowly run out.

I would expect that they get pretty frantic at some point - just before it's all over.

Every once in awhile, a beaver will prove to be a fast enough chewer that it can sever its leg during that long, drawn-out, last breath, and escape to the safety of its lodge. There, I suppose, its family will be glad to see it, although perhaps somewhat dismayed at their mom or dad's injuries.

Beavers don't have universal health care or extended medical.

Apparently, about 50 beavers were killed in Langley Township in the past year.

But the person who had the job is retiring, and the Township is looking for a new trapper.

Maybe it could be you.

Can you think of anything more satisfying than a job of killing Canada's most internationally recognized animal symbol?

Back in 1965, we almost put one on the new Canadian flag - but that one would have had all of its legs intact, of course.

Maybe we could add a three-legged beaver to the Township's coat-of-arms - to make sure everybody knows who we are.

published on 08/29/2006