Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else --- not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing
in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not
necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible.
I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues
hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is
not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the
same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years --- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me --- then go smell the other dog or cat's

butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our

front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who
is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids ... they eat less, don't ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't
smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college
--- and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.