I got Maggie out of an SPCA where she was going to be killed because no one had wanted her for so long and then she got sick there so they were going to kill her for getting sick. They didn't want to give her to me and tried to talk me out of her and into another dog that "wasn't so old", but I loved her old, foggy eyes and I have had her two years now and I love her like I've never loved another dog.

But she doesn't look so hot. Do you think the SPCA can seize her and this time, kill her?

Dear Maggie's Mum,

You betcha they could! They seize and kill dogs in a lot better shape than your old dog all the time. Here's what you should do. Have her wear sunglasses whenever she is out or even walks past a window just in case they are peering in your windows so that they won't see her rheumy old eyes. Paint the warts a nice pink colour and say they are misplaced nipples. They'll believe you...what do they know?

If they ask if you've had her hooves trimmed lately, make her whinny and prance if you can. Is she a beagle? Beagles get really warty, that is why I ask. A beagle will whinny and prance like a pony, no problem, if you just give her treats. Put a feedbag on her nose and tell the SPCA that she is a very special tiny breed of beagle-pony. What do they know?